Monday, August 31, 2009

New Internet

I think that it’s time for a new Internet. The one we have now has been around for, what, about 20 years now right? That’s simply way too long for a product – especially a technology product – to go without an upgrade – especially something as important as the Internet. So many people use the Internet. I can’t believe no one has thought of this already.

Think about all of the other at-one-time state-of-the-art technologies that have gone through serious reinventions. Of course, we have think about the clock. I bet whoever invented the clock thought to themselves, “Hah! Nobody can ever top this … there’s simply no way to improve how I read time!” Then a digital watch was invented, making that first guy seem like a total idiot. I also saw this clock one time where a bunch of air-bubbles in a liquid container was supposed to tell you what time it was. Honestly, I don’t think that’s going anywhere. Nintendo is a great example of technology introducing constant upgrades. They started out making playing cards, worked their way up to Virtual Boy, and now we have the Wii. Can you imagine how boring video games would be now if Nintendo was as lazy as the Internet? Wii bowling just wouldn’t be the same with a deck of cards. I wonder if Nintendo plans on making a Wii 52-pick up? It would definitely bring a certain sense of closure.

This is all beside the point. I almost never play with my Virtual Boy anymore. I shouldn’t have to use this regular old Internet when something new should have come out around 15 years ago. Who the hell is in charge of the Internet anyway?

My new Internet would either be called Internet 2 (like PS2, get it?) or, even better, New Internet. I think that, whatever you wind up calling it, everybody would just call it New Internet anyway. Kind of like when Batman, the Dark Knight came out. Nobody was saying, “Hey did you get to see Batman, the Dark Knight yet?” Everyone was just going, “Hey, let’s go see the new Batman.” So I think New Internet is just more practical. Unless you had a really great marketing team that really could push something clever like Internet 2. But I would want to save the marketers for my “rebranding of the ‘old Internet’ campaign” changing Internet (or Old Internet) into Internot. This is smart on so many levels. First of all, you’re only changing one letter, so it’s easy to just throw into conversation in a condescending tone, without having to really think about what’s going on. You could go up to someone surfing the Old Internet, stand behind them for maybe a minute or so, start snickering, and then say, “more like Internot,” and then walk away laughing. That’s how I was convinced into switching to the Gillette Fusion razor.

There are two leading schools of thought on how the New Internet should be introduced. Should it be backward compatible with the Old Internet or should it be so radically different that it makes you pick a side, old or new? I say to hell with the Old Internet … we’ve been stuck with it for too long already. The last thing we need is the Old Internet influencing the development of its replacement. Who says that an Internet has to be on a computer anyway? The New Internet should be on anything but a computer. It’s no secret that computers have been completely biased to the Old Internet for far too long. We already know which Internet a computer would pick when forced to make a choice. I, for one, am sick of my computer keeping me stuck in the past. Maybe the New Internet could come in a pair of really cool sunglasses?

Some people really like the Old Internet. This is going to present a problem as the New Internet starts to take over. The best way to make the transition as smooth as possible is to make the debate really personal. A demonization campaign should win over a little more than half of those unwilling to switch. Everybody who uses the New Internet could be encouraged to wear a New Internet t-shirt or hat … something to make everyone else feel really out of the loop. A mass silent treatment would be equally effective. Anybody that still refuses to switch? Forget them. Some people don’t even have the Old Internet yet.

Also, we could strip the Old Internet down to the worst services available on the web … like Hotmail, or Netbuster (you know, that Blockbuster rip-off of Netflix?)

Look, I’m just really disappointed that I’m the only one talking about a New Internet, especially when we’re in such a dire need of one. I have a friend that actually beat the Old Internet. One day he was surfing along and then, bam, credits. Game over. For how much longer will it be able to hold itself together? I’d start it myself but I don’t know anything about computer engineering. If any of those smart Google engineers want to leave their jobs to join my start-up, then let’s do it! I can’t promise much – definitely no health insurance – besides getting on the ground floor of something that’s going to be even bigger than the Internet. I’m talking New Internet.

Also, why do you think Nintendo never came out with a Newtendo?

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